What Joshua Taught Me About My Miscarriage
I found out I was six weeks pregnant on my 36th birthday.
After several days, I started bleeding — heavily — on a sunny afternoon.
A hole started to form in my heart and the rain started pouring into this place.
No,
no,
no, I cannot be having a miscarriage….
You won’t see any tears on my face,
Because I am afraid to feel it all.
I am afraid to crumble if I let my feelings speak.
So I go back to my old ways and numb.
While I look like I had it all together, I was very discouraged…and throughout the whole week, I kept hearing God encouraging me to read “Joshua”.
I reluctantly open up to Joshua and read “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9). If you let me, I’ll hold your tears.
I kept telling myself to not be afraid and reminded myself of Joshua 1:9.
But I didn’t fully believe in it.
I was still afraid.
I wouldn’t let God hold me.
Then, as I was laying down with my daughter today, I heard Him ask me to look up Joshua on SheReadsTruth. I opened up the link to a story of a mother who carried her baby to full-term with the knowledge that she would only be able to spend 90 minutes with him due to a fatal diagnosis.
Here’s a woman fully clothed in the armour of God, answering to God’s call by being brave because she knew:
The Lord will never leave us (Joshua 1:9)
It is the Lord God who fights for us (Joshua 23:3)
The Lord our God is worthy of our love and devotion (Joshua 23:9-11)
My heart was convicted.
When I was devastated by the news, I turned to other gods: shopping, working more, and overindulging in food.
I wasn’t loving God the way He deserves to be loved.
When you love God with all your heart, you also learn to take care of your own heart, body, and mind. You learn to love yourself the way God sees you.
So when God says, “I’ll hold your tears”, let him.
Let him hold all of you.
Let him hold your pain.
You will be ok.