My Pregnancy as a Healing Journey

Before my daughter, Hailey was born, I remember dreaming about her and wondering what she’ll be like.

Then I spent 9 months preparing a place for my little human,

only to realize my body will become a home to her.

My body will be a place of comfort.

My body will bring a sense of familiarity and safety.

My body will carry her when she needs to find rest.

My pregnancy started the healing journey of my disordered eating.

I wish I could say the journey was linear when making peace with my body and food.

Instead, within this disordered eating circle, there were others talking me out of it: Fear, Trauma, Insecurities, and Perfectionism. They were so loud that I couldn’t shut them off, so I needed to control something and that was “food”.

I had so much STRENGTH in not eating, doing intermittent fasting, choosing ONLY healthy food, and working out 24/7...I had a lot of strength in those AREAS.

However, I was so emotionally and mentally weak, that I could no longer use those types of strength to cover old wounds, past traumas, and broken relationships…

Having Hailey taught me that I need to show her what “imperfections” or “weaknesses” look like, so she understands perfect strength can only be found in God.

Isaiah 40 reminds me that “But those who trust in the Lord will find NEW strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint”.

If this is what God has been talking about His promises for the next generation and generation to come... it’s going to start with us... He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.

I am currently 20 months postpartum, and my strength looks a lot different now.

I am learning about my childhood disappointments.

I am healing and closing doors on past hurts.

God will take you to places that you never knew you needed healing.